3 A.M Thoughts on Existential Angst AKA What The Fuck Am I Doing With My Life?

Dear Ashley,

I liked your post, and it got me thinking about time and school. This was just meant to be a short post but words just kept coming so I just kinda kept going and see where it took me, and before I knew it it was 4 am and well this is what came out:

Sunday afternoon. The last remnants of a roast dinner are cleared from our places as the sun falls lazily onto the table. The chatter and laughter that accompanied the food have died away and people slowly drift away from the kitchen until there are only 3 teenagers left in silence. There are no need for words; each already know what the others are thinking. I don’t want to get on the train. I want to scream, to cry, to refuse to pack, and to lock myself in my room and never come out, but I don’t.

The 24 hours at home I have snatched like an ungrateful child are drawing to a close and, as always, they only made the prospect of returning even harder. I am seventeen, stuck in the limbo between child and adult. I outgrew boarding school years ago, the bitchiness, the mean girls, the teachers, rules and vitally, the lack of individuality.  My only consolation is my two partners in crime, the Ron and Hermione to my Harry. My twin sister’s controlled face shows none of the underlying emotion as she cracks a joke with my boyfriend sitting beside me.

It’s a familiar scene; maybe we catch our train and stubbornly sneak one last cigarette, a last act of rebellion on the way from the station to our boarding houses. More often than not, we’ll miss the train, stealing an extra night at home before making the same journey bleary eyed but with triumphant smiles slightly breaking on our faces the next day.

Maybe its because its 3 am and the ghost of Janis Joplin is caressing me from my itunes library, calling to me with words I’m only now beginning to understand for their true meaning. Maybe (probably) its because I’ve been watching Gossip Girl on Netflix almost religiously for almost a week now, but your post got me thinking about time, and now somehow the rose-tinted glasses are making their way out from a pile of shit flung on them by 8 years of boarding school.

At University, and in ‘the real world,’ a thing that I have only heard stories of from incense-scented travellers cloaked in Indian silk, the rules are more ambiguous. I find myself almost longing for those simple acts of harmless teenage rebellion, whether that’s smoking in a coffee shop in the afternoons or cautiously sneaking up to my boyfriend’s room (sorry mum if you’re reading this..). School was the first book in a series; Harry, Ron and Hermione are having adventures within the safety of the walls of Hogwarts under Dumbledore’s watchful, paternal eye. Peeta and Katniss are rebelling within the structure of the Hunger Games that the gamemakers have planned for them. But then University is the final book; Harry, Ron and Hermione have fled Hogwarts and are hunting death eaters and Voldemort on their own terms. Peeta and Katniss are advancing on the Capitol, and the structure of Panem and the Hunger Games lies dead with the unsuccessful tributes.

I’m not saying that I miss Cheltenham College, on the contrary, I wouldn’t go back if you paid me thousands of pounds. I love University, the freedom and the friends and memories I have made here. But I miss my friends, my boyfriend, the familiarity and the feeling of safety within the ‘bubble.’ As humans, we instinctively make rules for societies and situations everywhere because the reality is that the world is scary. It’s terrifying. There are monsters under the bed, and we don’t even know what they are. And of course, just like a child, these monsters scare me; sometimes a lot, sometimes not, but they’re definitely there. In the real world, if I fuck up, it’s on me. My problem. If  I am going to handle the real world, I’m doing it alone. Forget gender roles, societal values, what my friends, parents, teachers and magazines tell me I should be, in the words of Bob Dylan ‘All I can do is be me, whoever that is.’

I was once given some advice that most people expect to be happy all the time, when in reality life isn’t like that; most of the time we aren’t happy, and we should accept this to have any chance of being satisfied with our lives. Maybe I’m still naïve, unencumbered by a job, a house, a family and a mortgage, but my first reaction is ‘Why the fuck not?’ Why can’t we be happy most if not all of the time? Good or bad, shit happens in everyone’s lives, often stuff we can’t control. But we can control our attitudes, you can choose whether to be a victim or not, and most importantly, you can control what you choose to learn.

I realize it’s too late to not sound like a cliché, so I might as well go all out. In the words of Henley, ‘I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul’. And yes the world is terrifying and new and just about inconceivable, but this makes it exciting, breathtaking, and worth living for. Yes, there are the unknown monsters, but monsters aren’t necessarily bad, case in point:


I guess just like Eminem and Rihanna, weve just got to remember that we are friends with these monsters, and then its all happy days.*


*I make no apologies for the copious cliches

Mary-Kate Olsen


Dear Bubbles,

I had loads of things to write about but just got distracted by the Powerpuff Girls Wiki page. It’s like they were writing about the three of us, give or take a few things that are the wrong way around.

Name : Blossom
Based On: Olivia
Personality : Everything Nice
Epithet: “The Smart One” (yes, I have decided Powerpuff GIrls have epithets. Leave me alone)

“She is often seen as the most level-headed, and composed member of the group and also strong and determined. She can also be overly analytical at times. She tends to “mother” Bubbles and Buttercup, and often tries to play peacemaker between the two if they fight but ironically she is quick to argue with Buttercup who acts on impulse as opposed to her analytical nature. (Oh that’s right, everyone pick on Buttercup.) She is naturally caring to mainly her sisters, but also the Professor as well.  In the episode “Power-Noia” Blossom has nightmares about failing a test for which she forgot to study.”

Seriously who writes this stuff, it’s like they’re following her. The good, smart, mature, leader one, with the really awesome blog that if you like Furniss-Roe sisters you should totally check out. And if you don’t then you shouldn’t be reading this anyway. Scram!

Name: Bubbles (Sorry couldn’t help it)
Based On: Emma
Personality: Sugar
Epithet: The Cute One

And I quote: ” She was named for her cute and bubbly personality, as revealed when she giggled after the Professor named Blossom. She can read and understand Japanese manga and understand people who speak Spanish. (maybe a bit more like Olivia but still. Also she had a toy octopus, unfortunately called Octi.Or maybe not:) she uses a word for word translationrather than the thought-for-thought method of people more fluent in foreign languages. (How’s that Chinese going?) Bubbles can also communicate with various animals – cats, squirrels and even monsters. (If any of us could talk to monsters it would be you. And llamas.) Bubbles is defined by her innocence, playfulness and gentle demeanor, having a tendency to be naive, ditzy, submissive, timid and sensitive. These traits initially caused those around her, especially Blossom and Buttercup, to underestimate her abilities as a superhero.”

I think maybe that’s fair enough.

Name: Buttercup
Based on: Me
Personality: Spice
Epithet: The Toughest Fighter

She frowned and pouted when the Professor named her simply because, like her previously-named sisters, her name “also starts with B”. She can be hard to agree with to Bubbles and Blossom at times. Buttercup can be the most surly Powerpuff Girl at times, but is practically fearless, loyal, quick-witted and willing to fight. Buttercup can be selfish at times. She is shown to be fairly protective of her sisters, though, and will not hesitate to confront anybody who speaks badly of them. She is often reckless, but can be fairly witty at times, and she is frequently sarcastic.

I.e. The grumpy one.


                   That face says it all.

Ahem. So anyway that got a little bit out of hand and I’m sorry, but I thought it was creepy. I am glad that you find the degree you are choosing to get nearly £50,000 in debt for that some of it is mildly interesting. Loving the bathroom floor pictures. You should just get an en-suite though. Oh wait…

As for disco pants:

Please God No. I hate them more than pantomimes, chewing gum, sand, fake nails and cold tea all wrapped up in one hideous First World Bogeyman. Kill it with Fire.


Anyway, you’re not the only one doing some learning. Here are a few things that I have picked up in the last fortnight :

underused word that, fortnight. quite a good one though. fortnight. FORTNIGHT.

1. Food is Everything.

While some people are too poor to eat, I maintain that I am too eat to poor. Yeah. But when you get back from classes at 6 o’clock having left your room at 9:30, when someone in your corridor offers you curry/dahl/any miscellaneous food, it is the best thing in the world. Even if you don’t have any of it. Maybe it’s nice that people are actually trying to keep you alive, or maybe it’s because vegetarian quorn is some kind of mystical sorcery that tastes like real food.

On that, it should perhaps be noted that in the absence of snack food, any food is made into snacks. Long story short, I have eaten 350g of cheese in less than 5 days, and just bought a 650g one. Soon I’m going to be This Guy. Also why is cheese so expensive? it is basically just solid milk.

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As if I could afford you, Cathedral city.

2. If your Halls/College has a large metal gate for security reasons, if you pull it really hard into your face it is going to hurt a lot. Here’s what to do:

  •  Try not to cry in front of the gardeners, or adopt standing foetal position.
  • Hold tissue over the cut for your lectures to stem the bleeding.
  • Hide the massive bump on your head by changing your parting.
  • Stop wearing the ‘posh white girl’ headband, because it presses on it.
  • Tell your friends.
  • Be unsurprised when they take the piss.


You fiendish forehead vice, you!

All that was just hypothetical. Just in case. You’re welcome.

3. Someone is trying to kill me.

Three people, to be exact. And I don’t know who they are. It’s the assassins game here, where you have to go around killing people, when all you have is their name, address and college. I left my room to go to the kitchen yesterday and stood at my peephole ‘just checking’ for 15 minutes. The paranoia is horrendous. worse than HPJ paranoia. Speaking of, I though I might answer a question that came from a certain blobfish. In that ‘twinsinbins’ could be related to the infamous paranoia game(s) of 2013, in some amusing little reference to both our own progeny, and perhaps the fact that we too were bin children. Or it could be that we were looking for a name very late at night and wanted it to rhyme with twins, and ‘twinsanity’ and ‘twinsaneinthemembrane’ were already taken.

4. Need a rant? I know a guy

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I think I’ll wrap it up there to get some sleep before my 10 a.m., and I’m fairly sure this is now longer than the last essay I handed in which is probably not a good sign. Off home on Friday to babysit for the weekend!


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Freakin’ badass

Things You Probably Already Know About Charlotte (By Emma)

(To be read in a David Attenborough voice)

Cloaked in mystery, the Charlotte is a curious creature seen by many but understood by few. Having spent the past 18 years, 5 months and 10 days (and a debatable 9 months) living and interacting with her, I view myself as somewhat of an expert in this little known area of ethology. In her natural habitat, as a member of Murray Edwards College in Cambridge, the Charlotte is a quiet, book-loving creature. However she should not be taken at face value; she has evolved a quick wit and biting sarcastic nature. Here, therefore, is the definitive list of things you should know about her, set as Lies that Charlotte Will Tell You:

1. She Has Blood In Her Veins. This is not true. Charlotte lives on coffee and coffee alone. It is said that Jesus could walk on water, and all credit to ya Jesus, thats impressive, but Charlotte can run on Coffee, which frankly, is a bit cooler.

2. She is a Gryffindor (Shes a Hufflepuff when shes being nice, Slytherin when not.)

3. ‘AHHHHH I HATE WORK’ ( Also untrue. Classics is her life, she wakes up for one thing and one thing only, and that thing is Roman and Ancient Greek Poets. Honestly.)

4. ‘I slept really well last night’  Somewhat connected to the first point, this is also a lie. Charlotte does not sleep. Ever. True story.

And some lies she would never, ever tell:

1. ‘I’m not weirdly in love with Stephen Fry.’  Ahhh Stephen Fry, lusted after by teenage girls everywhere. Oh no wait… Perhaps hes the thinking girls heartthrob? I dont understand it and I dont expect you to.

2. ‘I dont have any embarrassing nicknames.’ Some people collect stamps, some people collect cats. Charlotte is somewhat of a accumulator of nicknames, here is just a selection in roughly chronological order: Chuchy, Loot, Charblob, Tot, Fab Spazz Chazz, Craig, and most recently (Ididntknowthisone?) Penelope.

3. ‘I love Taylor Swift’. My favourite singer. Perhaps the reason that she (irrationally- that girl is a goddess) hates her so much. If I were you, I’d steer clear of this topic with her.