Biscuits by Emma Furniss-Roe (by Charlotte Furniss-Roe)

She thought I wouldn’t retaliate to the Christ poem. But oh, she was wrong. While mini me was contemplating the nature of Jesus Christ, love, Christmas and other clearly sublime issues, Emma was wrestling with her own young and developing thoughts. “But what could be more important than Jesus, especially for a girl who is now confirmed?” I hear you ask.

Well. The answer, of course, is biscuits.

For her, guys. Don’t say no.



I think what I like best is the careful consideration of the different types of biscuits – a Buzzfeed author in the making, clearly.

The burning question : Why are biscuits after a run not fun?

We shall never know.


Questions For Emma from Charlotte

What’s your favourite shop? 

Assuming McDonalds, Nandos and Pizza don’t count as shops, i’d say anywhere with a website, as I hate shopping. And of course topshop. Bitches all love Topshop.

What’s your favourite scenery? (beaches, mountains e.t.c.)

What kind of a question is that?  Whatever I can get really, which is lucky as i usually see 3 hundred billion pictures of ‘skyporn’ on my instagram news feed every day.

What do you think déja vu is for? 

Who has an opinion on Deja Vu? I think if my brains telling me ‘Ive seen this pizza before’ then I probably have, and its probably telling me to stop eating so much pizza.

Do you have any secret skills? 

Me and my twin can name all 151 original Pokemon (on a good day)

What’s something you’re really bad at? 

Cooking, Keeping my room tidy, buying ‘sensible’ shoes, not writing essays the day before the deadline, English (sorry mum..) Finishing things I start, trying new food…

What foods do you hate? 

Oh God. The list is so long. Here is just a taster:

Cucumber, mince, curry, caramel, toffee, gherkins, most crisps, jelly beans, coconute, liquorice, those sweets that pop in your mouth, most cheese, posh chocolate, marzipan, pineapple, mousse, those stupid cardboard breakfast biscuits, jelly babies, dates, figs, turkish delight, cake with fruit in, jelly, hot cross buns… the list continues.

Are there any people you hate? 

Not hate. There are people I don’t like, but hate is mainly reserved for racists, sexists and terrorists. And hopefully I don’t know any of them.

If you had a DeLorean what would you set the date to and where would you go? 

*quickly googles DeLorean* Ahh Back to the Future. I get it now. Hmmmmmmm I would set the date to a long time ago and go to a galaxy far, far away.

(I’m sorry, I know I’m a useless History student for not having a sensible answer to this question)

Are you afraid of anything? 


And of course all the usual stuff e.g. burglars, being stranded out to sea, seeing my parents naked, sending a text to the person I was bitching about by accident e.t.c.

Things Everyone Should Know About Emma (by Charlotte)

1.Llamas. Her llama obsession is quite literally unrivalled and terrifying, as is her drive to be a llama farmer, a profession I think she is only aiming for in order to get a job with internal rhyme. Matched only by

2. Tibet. Yes, she is one of those ‘Free Tibet!’ studenty people. This includes an unhealthy following of the Dalai Lama. She went to Manchester to hear him speak. Manchester. That’s the North for god’s sake.

3. She has a boyfriend called Albie, who looks a lot like a turkey dinosaur (google it if you had a poor, turkey-dinosaurless childhood) and goes on lots of runs, and always drinks a little bit too much Jack Daniels, leading to him sitting on a park bench calling me, and me sitting on a bonfire. That was a weird day.

4. I am not sure I have ever seen her cook a meal that didn’t include eggs. (She doesn’t really cook. Its not that she has an unhealthy obsession with eggs.)

5. I will personally come round to your house and pat you on the head if you can tell me the colour of her floor.

6. For Christmas, she gave me a full size traffic cone. Complete with wrapping paper and a bow on top. How thoughtful.

7. At this moment she is wearing a white collared shirt, sparkly jumper, pink dip dyed hair, pink velvet shorts and she looks hilarious. 10/10, circus ringmaster hilarious.