(To be read in a David Attenborough voice)
Cloaked in mystery, the Charlotte is a curious creature seen by many but understood by few. Having spent the past 18 years, 5 months and 10 days (and a debatable 9 months) living and interacting with her, I view myself as somewhat of an expert in this little known area of ethology. In her natural habitat, as a member of Murray Edwards College in Cambridge, the Charlotte is a quiet, book-loving creature. However she should not be taken at face value; she has evolved a quick wit and biting sarcastic nature. Here, therefore, is the definitive list of things you should know about her, set as Lies that Charlotte Will Tell You:
1. She Has Blood In Her Veins. This is not true. Charlotte lives on coffee and coffee alone. It is said that Jesus could walk on water, and all credit to ya Jesus, thats impressive, but Charlotte can run on Coffee, which frankly, is a bit cooler.
2. She is a Gryffindor (Shes a Hufflepuff when shes being nice, Slytherin when not.)
3. ‘AHHHHH I HATE WORK’ ( Also untrue. Classics is her life, she wakes up for one thing and one thing only, and that thing is Roman and Ancient Greek Poets. Honestly.)
4. ‘I slept really well last night’ Somewhat connected to the first point, this is also a lie. Charlotte does not sleep. Ever. True story.
And some lies she would never, ever tell:
1. ‘I’m not weirdly in love with Stephen Fry.’ Ahhh Stephen Fry, lusted after by teenage girls everywhere. Oh no wait… Perhaps hes the thinking girls heartthrob? I dont understand it and I dont expect you to.
2. ‘I dont have any embarrassing nicknames.’ Some people collect stamps, some people collect cats. Charlotte is somewhat of a accumulator of nicknames, here is just a selection in roughly chronological order: Chuchy, Loot, Charblob, Tot, Fab Spazz Chazz, Craig, and most recently (Ididntknowthisone?) Penelope.
3. ‘I love Taylor Swift’. My favourite singer. Perhaps the reason that she (irrationally- that girl is a goddess) hates her so much. If I were you, I’d steer clear of this topic with her.